Like A Rhinestone Ploughboy Lyrics
The Stick of Rhubarb
Come all you fair and tender men,
I pray be always on your guard,
Beware, beware, to keep your garden fair,
And let no-one steal your rhubarb.
For rhubarb is a precious thing,
Rhubarb means all to a man,
Oh, Rhubarb in its season,
Can drive away all reason,
And when pulled it will surely come again.
Now I put my rhubarb all on show,
The judges said they'd mark my card,
Oh I won a special prize, at the North Walsham Assize,
Now my rhubarb is in for nine months hard.
In April my rhubarb springs to life,
It swells most splendidly in May,
Oh it flourishes in June, and is eagerly consumed,
But in July it withers clean away.
The Innocent Dodo
I prithee good ladies and lordies attend
Give ear to my sorrowful load-o
By means of this ballad I now do intend
To sing you in praise of the Dodo
In far off Mauritia the dodo do dwell
Halfway to the far antipode-o
And if we would serve her then this I must tell
It should not be parboiled a la mode-o
For if the poor creature is but to keep goin'
Our slogan must be stop the bloody dodo-in'
Well the dodo in the morning she falls from her nest
If she could she would surely have flowed-o
She returns in the evening to take her sweet rest
Though how she ascends I am blowed-o
And all in her season she'll go with her mates
By them she will soon be bestrode-o
And as she may dally with seven or eight
Then 'tis clear that she risks overload-o
And as she must put up with all of this stuff
I ask dost thou not think she's suffered enough ?
Oh how many roads must a Dodo walk down
Before you can call her a dodo ?
And how many seas must a white dodo sail
Before she can sleep in the road-o ?
Ripe fruit and berries, and nuts that are nice
In the bird's stomach are stowed-o
Be grateful, good people, the Dodo don't fly
For t'would danger you when she unload-o
And if you should question on what she has dined
The answer my friend will be blowing in the wind
And so on my tunic this message I spell:
God save the king and the Dodo as well.
The Twenty Pound Frog
Now all on the Feast of St. Vitus,
I put on my best hat and coat.
I entered my frog for the racing,
And he went to the front from the go.
Though the rest of the field tried to catch him,
My Dandy kept one jump ahead.
He'd have led by a neck if he'd had one,
And straight for the finish he sped.
Oh Dandy he was a champion,
Mick Mackerel's a dirty old dog.
He come down the road with his natterjack toad,
And he murdered my twenty pound frog.
Well now Dandy was surely the favourite,
He looked like he'd win it with ease.
But just then he jumped on a toadstool,
And the toad didn't seem at all pleased.
Now what happened next wasn't cricket,
It wasn't a lark nor a joke.
Mick Mackerel's toad had a frog in its throat,
And Dandy had croaked his last croak.
Well I called for a stewards enquiry,
I told them my Dandy was dead.
They said in that case, he must lose second place,
Though he'd followed the toad by a head.
Well I wanted toi wallop Mick Mackerel,
But he was a bit of a bruiser.
He was six foot three high, and the same again wide,
So I decided to be a good loser.
Well Now all this had left me quite heated,
So I took off my coat and my hat.
And all the way home I felt naked,
For I'd nothing on under that.
Well I've learned me a twenty pound lesson,
And I'll not forget it don't fear.
I'll get my own back on Mick Mackerel,
I'm buying an adder next year.
Gobblers in the Garden
Well when first I wed me Norfolk girl, we all went back to Trunch
To drink a toast, and cut the cake, and have a bite of lunch
Now she and I was eager to start the honeymoon
But her father made a speech which went on half the afternoon
He told me: (chorus)
Treat me daughter decent don't do her any ill
And when I go I'll leave you my smallholding in my will
I'll leave me muck heap and me silage me slurry and me swill
And all the great big gobblers in the garden
When finally he finished me eyelids felt like lead
So me and my new missus said we thought t'was time for bed
In the coach I said I thought we'd never get away from him
But when we cuddled up the driver turned round with a grin
And he said:
Chorus
He drove us to our lodgings and he said cheerio
But I finally made him realise it was him that ought to go
And soon we lay together me wife say go to town
But my ambition withered when a window-pane flew down
This voice said:
Chorus
She said you've really got to laugh but I was proper riled
I was so fed up I couldn't even raise a smile
I couldn't see the joke at all. All I saw was red
For every time we kissed he'd call from underneath the bed
And he said:
Chorus
Now we've been married seven years and we've got three young pups
Well twice he went on holiday and once we tied him up
And every hour of every day his promises we've heard
Now me and my old twelve-bore think that's time he kept his word
His words are:
Chorus
All Things Are Quite Equal
A young person was a-walking one morning in May
Met a second young person a-walking that way
Say the first of these people I have Spanish leather
And oh, 'tis my wish we were bonded together
Chorus
All things being equal our screws will be loose
What's sauce for the gander is juice for the goose
Oh the way I respond to the charms that thou hast
I just cannot tell you lest you feel harrassed
But you are so comely and so fair of face
How I long to enter your personal space
Chorus
Said the other I'm willing if you would agree
To place you above me and then underneath
To a mossy green bank these two persons did haste
And there in a meaningful way interfaced
Chorus
Both parties were eager, both parties were brisk
Both failed to insure 'gainst a third party risk
And so nine months later as I understand
A third person singular came all unplanned
Chorus
Now the first person declared without guile
For your sweet sake I would lay down my lifestyle
So these two were married like sister and brother
And over the threshold they carried each other
Chorus
The Old, Waily, Windy Knight
Oh me 'ead, it is frozen to me 'at
The snow is driftin' down me back
I fear Iwill die of cold in fact
All in this biting wind,oh
Chorus
Let me in, Sir Jasper cried
Old Waily, windy knight
Let me in Sir Jasper cried
Here outside your window
The window that have opened wide
The ploughboy stuck his head outside
He said you're really not my type
You should try my sister LInda
He found the window where she snores
But that was on the second floor
So he's thrown pebbles, two,three, four
And the glass rained down on him, oh
Chorus
Then up the ladder he have climbed
And to her window come betimes
And he tapped upon it seven times
Crying open up your window
Well, that I will then LInda cried
And she have thrown thewindow wide
But that haveknocked the ladder aside
And he's dangling by his fingers
Chorus
Despite that wicked wind so chill
He's hauled himself up with a will
If it weren't for the ice upon the sill
He would surely have got in, oh
But down he's tumbled to the ground
And there the broken glass he found
And hehavemade a feaarful sound
Outside her grandma's window
Chorus
Grandma's hooked her window wide
To find this winded knight outside
And she have blessed the Lord on high
And she have pulled him in, oh
She closed the window with a grin
Andshe have kissed him cheek and chin
Andshe slipped in between the sheets with him
For he's frozen stiff poor thing, oh
Let me out, Sir Jasper cried
Old waily windy knight
Let me out SirJasper cried
When she opened and she took him in......oh